Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Finding the gift in the pain

I am currently spending a great deal of time and energy on my spiritual growth and healing, striving to live a life filled with peace, love, gratitude, and trust. On Monday nights I attend a public class hosted by a life coach called 'Empowered Living.' A theme we discuss often in this Monday night class is the idea that your biggest challenge (and the pain suffered) is also your greatest gift. My notes from last night's class begin with 'the pain is in the past - the gift is in the present.' This makes sense to me in regards to many situations, like divorce or the ending of any relationship, a job failure, financial failure, etc., but I'm having trouble trying to figure out how to apply it when there is no end to the pain, like when your son has a chronic illness with no cure.

The coach talked about facing our fear, our worst case scenario, and staring it down. He said to go home and stand in front of a door, and visualize what we fear the most on the other side of that door. On the other side of my door is my son's pain and suffering for the rest of his life. The coach instructed us to grab the knob, throw open the door, and see that there's really nothing there to fear. That even if our worst case scenario comes true, we will be 'ok.' Not that it won't hurt, and not that we won't struggle, but that we will survive. He also acknowledged that we may not be ready, may not be strong enough, confident enough, trusting enough yet to open that door, and if that is the case, that we should start smaller.

Today, the most I can do is sit in front of my door and think about the gifts. Because of his disease, I don't take a single moment with my children, especially the healthy ones, for granted. I hug them and kiss them and tell them often how lucky I am to be their mother. I tell my son I would take his pain if I could. I comfort him when he is afraid, and I tell him how strong he is when he's getting that IV, or attending a party where he can't eat the pizza, ice cream, cake, etc. I am grateful for the compassionate, sensitive, empathetic 12 year old he is because of his experiences. Maybe tomorrow I will be ready to take a step towards the door.

I took another note near the end of class. The coach wrote this on the white board, and instructed us to fill in the end.

Who do I want to be while...

My question looks like this: Who do I want to be while I raise a sick child?
I definitely don't want to be afraid, because that will just teach him to be afraid. I want to be courageous. I want to be full of so much faith and trust and hope that it spills out of me and into him.
The exciting part is that we can change our beliefs. It just starts with words.

Here are my new words that will become thoughts, and eventually beliefs:
I am courageous. I am faith. I am trust. I am hope. I love my life. I love myself. I radiate love, warmth, and light. I am peace.

With these words, I take back my power. I do not give it to the disease or the fear, and this is empowering.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Scope #6

I think I should rename the blog 'Gavin's Scopes' because that seems to be pretty much the only time I add a post. I guess that's good because it means that in-between procedures, we're just busy doing life. So Gavin just went back for his 6th endoscopy. I always like to recap a little about Gavin's disease and his story with each post for anyone who is new to his journey.

At age 4 Gavin had his first endoscopy (scope), and was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EoE). EoE is an inflammatory disease where his immune system sees certain foods as parasites and attacks them with white blood cells, eosinophils, inside his esophagus. These white blood cells cause swelling and inflammation, and if left untreated, can cause reflux type symptoms, vomiting, trouble swallowing, and food getting stuck.

The disease can only be diagnosed and monitored by taking biopsies during an endoscopy to look for eosinophils. Normal people have 0 eosinophils in their esophagus. A count over 15 equals a diagnosis, and then the goal is to find a treatment plan that gets the count down to 0. At Gavin's first scope his eosinophil count was 59. We tried to treat with medication first, using a swallowed steroid slurry to coat the esophagus and treat the inflammation. Gavin's second scope at age 5 showed a count of 53, so we knew the medical treatment route was not working. At that time, we changed to an inhaler for the swallowed steroids, and removed dairy and soy (the top 2 trigger culprits). His 3rd scope a few months later was just what we hoped for...0 eosinophils! He continued this treatment for 2 years and scoped 'clean' again at age 7, so we decided to try dairy and see how much damage it was doing. After 10 months of eating dairy, his count was about 29. We decided to let him continue eating it for quality of life even though he was not at 0. At age 9, due to daily stomach aches and not feeling well all the time, Gavin decided to remove the dairy again, and started feeling better. Since he was back off the food triggers, we decided to try removing the steroids to see how much difference it was making. Obviously we don't want him on steroids daily if it's not absolutely necessary. He stopped taking the Flovent in June of 2016, so today's scope is to see how the numbers look with the food restrictions alone. Praying for 0!! We should have results in about a week, so I will post an update when I have the number.

As always, thanks for reading, and supporting us!

Saturday, October 8, 2016

A punch in the gut...

Last night was an unexpected rough one. I have been the mom of a chronically ill child for 6 years now, and I still get that unexpected punch in the gut when I'm least expecting it. At this point, I'm prepared for the big disappointments...the failed food trial, bad lab results from a scope, or having to miss a big event due to  a flare. I'm prepared for those...expecting them. It's the little disappointments that can still surprise me when I'm least expecting them. 
Yesterday was a great day for Gavin. It was a Friday, so no homework. He won his game at chess club and was so proud of himself. He was invited to a friend's house to play after school and had so much fun he was sweaty and tired when I picked him up. Unfortunately, the minute he walked in the door from his pack meeting, I could see the disappointment all over his face. His shoulders were slumped, and all he could say without crying was "Mom, I'm sad. They had cake." I didn't have any idea there would be cake at the meeting, so I didn't know to send a safe alternative. He denied me a hug because he was already barely holding back the tears. We went upstairs, got ready for bed, and climbed in for some snuggles. He couldn't get comfortable because his stomach was hurting, and I knew he was still thinking about the cake, because the last thing he said to me was "can I have a treat tomorrow?", which of course broke my heart even more.
Growing up is full of necessary disappointments that are a part of life. I just wish my boy didn't have to experience all of the extra food-based disappointments on top of the rest. I don't know why, but last night it was just more heartbreaking than usual for me. It's not fair. I want to fix it for him. I want to make it better. 
As I cried myself to sleep, I thought about an article I read lately in one of my support groups on FaceBook. It was about the 'chronic sorrow' that a parent of a child with a disability experiences, and it was spot on. 
One thing I loved about the article was the way it ended on a positive note. My favorite line:

Some of the most compassionate people I have encountered in my life are people who have suffered.

I already see that to be true in my 10 year old son, and it gives me a proud happiness that combats the sorrow most of the time. This morning both of my children woke up about the same time and crawled in bed with me. There were lots of squeezes and giggles, it was the beginning of a new day, and my heart wasn't hurting so much anymore. A FB friend posted this quote today, which is a perfect reflection of my night and morning:

There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope.

Today is a new day and I do have hope. I watched my son play soccer and enjoy being 10. I will keep praying that a cure will be found in his lifetime, and in the meantime, I will love him and remind myself of the promise of a new day. To my friends who also have children struggling....my best friend whose son can't eat a single food for the next 3 months, my longest EoE mom friend who is far from home trying to find answers for her son, and all the others who are constantly supporting each other online even though we've never met in person...hang in there!! Today is a new and better day already, and at least we have each other. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

The letter I wrote to Gavin's new 5th grade teacher:

This letter serves as an overview of Gavin’s medical condition so you know what life is like for him, and understand how you can be his advocate.

What is Gavin’s condition?
Gavin has an Eosinophilic Gastrointestinal Disorder, or EGID. The type of EGID he has is Eosinophilic Esophagitis, also called EoE. 

What is EoE?
EoE is an inflammatory disease where the immune system mistakes certain foods as parasites and attacks them inside the esophagus by sending white blood cells called eosinophils. This results in inflammation and the destruction of healthy tissue. 

How does EoE affect Gavin?
Gavin’s EoE is currently triggered by dairy and soy, so he avoids these foods. They are not typical food allergies, meaning there is no immediate reaction if he eats them, so he does not require an Epi pen, and there is not a concern about an immediate allergic reaction. Avoiding these foods keeps the inflammation down, prevents long term damage, and minimizes his symptoms.

What are Gavin’s main symptoms?
EoE is a painful disease. Gavin suffers daily from stomach aches, reflux, constipation, headaches, leg pain, and fatigue. We are doing all we can to prevent these symptoms, but pain just seems to be part of the disease.  Fortunately, school seems to keep him distracted enough most of the time. We will be seeing a neurologist soon to see if Gavin’s headaches are migraines, and we are trying daily medication as a preventive measure, but have not found one that works well yet. I will be sending Tums and Tylenol to the nurse in case he is having difficulties.

How is Gavin’s EoE managed?
Gavin’s care is managed by a pediatric GI (Gastrointestinal) specialist. The only way to check the status of his disease is by a procedure called an endoscopy (we call it a ‘scope’), where they put him to sleep and go into his esophagus to take pictures and samples to biopsy. When the biopsies are viewed under a microscope, the eosinophils are counted, and this tells us how active his disease is.

What does the future hold?
There is currently no cure or FDA approved treatment for EoE, BUT lots of research is being done to find better treatment options and less invasive methods to check the status of the disease.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.  I hope you enjoy your time with Gavin. He has an incredibly gifted mind, a unique and hilarious sense of humor, a contagious laugh, a kind soul, and a passion for life. I honestly believe that God knew the challenges he would face, and gave him these wonderful traits on purpose. He may fall into the category of a ‘special needs child’ but I simply see him as special, and I hope he brings as much joy to your life as he does to mine.

For more information

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Time to say goodbye to dairy...again...

One thing I have learned about Gavin's disease, Eosinophilic Esophagitis (or EoE), is that like a roller coaster, it has ups, downs, twists and turns, and even when you know a drop is coming, it still takes your breath away.
Over the last few years we have been able to determine that dairy and soy are the biggest food triggers for Gavin's EoE. With both foods eliminated, and a daily dose of swallowed steroids (Flovent), we achieved a biopsy report of 0 eosinophils...that of a normal esophagus, which was a tremendous win. For over 2 years, Gavin continued the elimination diet and allowed his esophagus to heal. He felt great, but emotionally, he was struggling with the diet. He was depressed about the foods he was missing, and it was starting to bother him more and more when his treat was different from the class, or he had to pick from his special snack bin instead of sharing in the pizza party or cupcake celebration.
In August of 2013, we decided to trial dairy. We had removed dairy and soy at the same time, so there was no proof that both were doing damage, and it was worth figuring it out. The very first thing Gavin wanted to do was go to his favorite Mexican restaurant and get chips and cheese dip. He was in heaven. The results of the biopsies a few months later showed that dairy was doing about half the damage, which is pretty much what we expected. After reintroducing dairy, his eosinophils were no longer 0, but they weren't as high as they had been before eliminating both foods either...and he was so happy. After a discussion with his GI about quality of life, emotional health, and physical health, we all decided to let Gavin keep dairy even though it was still causing damage. He was instructed to be vigilant about his daily medication and still eliminate soy.
We have had a wonderful and easy 2 years. Cooking and eating out have been so much easier with only soy eliminated, and Gavin has thrived emotionally. Over the last year though, his symptoms have slowly gotten worse and worse. He now complains daily of stomach aches, headaches, fatigue, and sleepless nights. With each complaint, I remind him that the dairy he is eating is causing him to feel bad, and that when he's ready to feel better, we can go back to eliminating dairy. It is important to me that he feels some control over this decision, because ultimately, I can't be there all the time, and if it's not his choice, he is going to be more likely to 'cheat' when he is at school or friends' houses.
Tonight I laid with him in his bed, as I always do, and we were ending the day with snuggles and talk. He said he was tired of his stomach hurting all the time, and he was ready to remove dairy again. I knew this day was coming, and I know it needs to happen for his poor little body to heal, but hearing him say he was ready just broke my heart. It hurt because it tells me exactly how much pain he is in all the time. If you have any idea how much this kid loves cheese, you know he's hurting if he's ready to give it up. At the same time, I had such admiration for his grace and courage. I told him that I was proud of him, and that I knew it was a hard decision. Gavin replied with "yeah mom, hard but good". What an amazing kid.
He has decided that this weekend is when it will happen, so we will make a trip to Whole Foods and stock up on 'safe' foods, and begin again. As I lie here typing in the dark, because I can't sleep, I am thankful for the last 2 years. Watching Gavin live a more 'normal' life gave me an emotional break from this disease. I was able to heal and grow stronger so that I could be ready for this next round. Tears fall tonight for my sweet boy and what he endures, but tomorrow they will be dry, and I will be his cheerleader.


Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Tomorrow is a big day for us. Gavin is scheduled for an endoscopy, a procedure we refer to as a 'scope', to check the status of his disease. When it comes to Eosinophilic Esophagitis, or EoE, what you really want to know is how many eosinophils (a certain type of white blood cell) are present in the esophagus. A scope is the only way to find out.

Here is my non-medical explanation of how I understand this procedure...

Gavin will be put to sleep, and his GI doctor will go into his esophagus and take both pictures and samples. The pictures are the only immediate feedback we will get tomorrow, but can be very misleading when it comes to EoE. The truth lies in the samples, or biopsies, which are sent to a lab. At the lab, a stain is added, which makes the eosinophils dark and easy to see. A pathologist will count how many eosinophils are present per high power field (HPF) for each biopsy, and reports the number back to the doctor, and then to us. A healthy esophagus has 0 eosinophils. An active case of EoE is typically 15 or more eosinophils per HPF. This is Gavin's scope history:

Scope 1: September 2010 - 59 eosinophils - diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis.
Decided to try treatment with topical steroids only, no change to diet

Scope 2: May 2011 - 53 eosinophils - steroid treatment alone is not a success
Changed type of steroid and removed dairy and soy from diet

Scope 3: September 2011 - 0 eosinophils - current treatment a success
Decided to keep going with current treatment and allow his esophagus to heal

It has been almost 2 years since that glorious scope with 0 eosinophils, and I'm terrified of what this one will bring. Best case scenario would be another clean scope, and we would be able to decide if we want to try and remove the steroids or add a food back into his diet. Worst case scenario would be anything else. Okay, I'm being a little dramatic, and if you read this far into my post, you probably know me well enough to expect it. Kidding aside, I'm very afraid right now. This disease is so unpredictable that it is impossible to prepare yourself, and that to me is the scariest part. I don't want my baby to lose any more foods, or even have to go another day with the ones he currently lives without, but the bottom line is I just want him to be healthy enough to enjoy his childhood. The procedure tomorrow has its own risks, those of anesthesia, and the risk of a perforation (tear) in his esophagus. For now, I'll just focus on getting through tomorrow, enduring the long wait for the magic number, and then moving forward from there. Deep breath...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

It's scope time again

Here we are again...the day before a scope. My friend Glendia keeps asking me if I'm nervous yet, but I've decided to go with the mentality of 'what's the point'? It doesn't matter how you prepare yourself before a scope...you're never ready for the news. I figure that since the last one showed absolutely no improvement, I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
After our original diagnosis, we tried just treating with swallowed steroids (pulmicort splenda slurry). We thought we were one of those unique cases of EoE where Gavin could eat anything as long as he took the steroids. Well, we were wrong. So, we took a baby step down the road of food elimination diets. While most doctors would recommend taking the top six allergens away right from the start, our wonderful GI gave us a more palatable option of only removing dairy and soy to start. Since Gavin has eaten all foods his whole life, and since the thought of providing top 6 free meals was daunting to me, we felt this was the right choice for our family.
Removing dairy and soy from Gavin's diet was challenging at first (to say the least), but with the help of friends, online support, and many natural food stores within our reach, we learned quickly and adapted. Gavin immediately started eating more and having an appetite again, which was encouraging. In addition to the elimination diet, we also changed his steroid treatment to Flovent. The Flovent comes in an inhaler and would typically be inhaled for asthma treatment, but since the inflammation is in Gavin's esophagus, he puffs the medicine into his mouth and then swallows it, instead of breathing it in. The main side effect of swallowed steroids is thrush, a yeast infection in the esophagus, since he can't eat or drink anything after taking it. We did have a bout with thrush already, but the 21 day treatment cleared it up.
Unless this scope shows no eosinophils, we will proceed to the full top six elimination diet, which means removing wheat, eggs, fish/shellfish, and peanuts/tree nuts. It will be a hard transition, especially for Gavin, but I have much more confidence now than I did when we faced this option a few months ago. I'm praying like crazy for a miracle because no mother wants to take food away from her child, even when it is to make them better. The next few months include many holidays focused around food and Gavin's 6th birthday, and it breaks my heart to think about how it will be, but I have to stop myself from looking too far down the road yet. Let's get through the week and see what the numbers are, and then we will hold tight to each other, draw strength from God, and face whatever comes next.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. It carries me through the hard times and helps me focus on how lucky we are for what we do have, which is a lot of love. I'll update tomorrow and let you know how the procedure goes.